By Michele Urkawich
As a child growing up in church, hearing someone’s testimony wasn’t uncommon. A few times a year, a fellow believer would stand on stage and pour out their heart, tears streaming down their faces, as I tried to grasp the grim details of their train-wreck of a life, which was saved by grace. The moral of the story for me was often, “Well, thank God that’s not me!” But in the back of my mind was the lingering question, Do I even have a testimony? I thought, what would I say? I’ve known about God since I was 3 years old. I’ve never hit rock bottom on drugs, never got arrested, never came home pregnant… And, given the fact that I’m deathly afraid of public speaking, I’ll say that I’ve dodged a bullet!
To testify is to give proof that something exists, or is the case. The disciples testified that Jesus was the Messiah – they told of his healings, miracles, and teachings. While some apostles of Jesus had a more sordid past – like Paul, who persecuted and hunted down Christians – most of them were everyday common people. None of them, however, were without sin. Romans 3:23 says “…for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God”. Here, sister, is where I can start to relate.
As my adolescence morphed into teen arrogance, the dysfunction of my childhood and a self-reliant attitude made it all too easy to blend in with a culture of godlessness. A spirit of pride took root, and instead of seeking God’s approval, I sought the approval of the world. This is where I fell, over and over again. Drinking at parties and wanting to fit in might not be the same as doing drugs or being promiscuous, and I put my foot down on stealing from CVS…but, wasn’t I still just as happy to hang out with my pilfering friends? And didn’t my co-ed behavior fail to convey that purity was important to me? I still prayed, talked to the Lord, because I knew that He was real, so naturally, I experienced guilt…BUT I always had church on Sunday. I could repent and be fixed up for the next week, and it was a wash, rinse, repeat cycle. Little did I know that living this double life was unsustainable.
Sin separates us from God and causes Him to hide his face from us (Isaiah 59:2); acts as a cruel master, enslaving us (John 8:34, Romans 6:16-17); matures into fully grown destruction (James 1:15); and finally is rewarded with spiritual, physical, and eternal death. Simon Peter, one of Jesus’ most trusted and passionate followers, denied knowing him on multiple occasions. I, through my choices, and behaviors, denied knowing Jesus in just the same way. I let Satan sift me like wheat, no different than Peter. But God, in His ever-faithful way, kept showing up: he would walk home from the frat party with me, or sit at my kitchen table the day after a friend ditched me, or hang with me at the laundromat after another fight with my brother. He would pose the hard questions, remind me of Matthew 7:14 which says “For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few.” God wanted me to see that those rough- around- the-edges qualities that he gave me , which were a lot like the disciple Peter’s, would serve a purpose in keeping me on the narrow path. These interactions left me feeling convicted, but the last whisper I heard was “I will always love you”… “I will never leave you”.
Eventually, my heart became very sick with loneliness. Living 2 states away from the support of my family, especially my mom, who doubled as my spiritual mother, was difficult. I had friends, but only a couple of Christian friends, and they were playing the same cards I was. The world was not giving me happiness. In fact, my heart was grieved. And on a very rainy Sunday afternoon, after wrestling with God for years, I submitted to His authority and His control over my life. I needed to be right with my heavenly Father, the one who would never let me down, who would keep me, and uphold me in righteousness (Is. 41:10).
I’ve since been blessed beyond measure. Shortly after recommitting my life to the Lord, I met my husband, and we now have a beautiful family and 2 children who serve in church alongside us. The road has been a bit narrow at times, but God has built a faith in me that seems to push my walkway wider…overflowing with grace and abundant life!
When I look back at the path behind me it looks like an old hiking trail that hasn’t been kept up; it stops, veers off to an area of fallen trees or a mess of brambles. I wonder how I could betray Jesus, who was my one true best friend. keeping His eye on me – no matter where I was. This reality of God’s faithful love is overwhelming. But I know that when God created me, he knew all the plans he had for me. He knew that I would fail and wander, He knew that I would be lonely, lowly, and in need of rescue. He sent Jesus to show me he loved me, and John 10 describes this relationship best, especially verses 14 and 15: “I am the good shepherd. I know my own and my own know me, 15 just as the Father knows me and I know the Father; and I lay down my life for the sheep”. This truth, the truth of God‘s unconditional love, is for all of us.
Now, when I look at the path ahead of me, I feel hope and certainty. I know that God walks with me, and I can truly testify, that God will never leave me, and he will never forsake me.
